I hate change. I absolutely despise change. Every part of me hates change. Change means I’m not in control. Change means I’m uncomfortable. Change means new things. Change maybe means being vulnerable.
This month especially is a time of change. These next few months will be full of changes where I lack control. An amazing person in my life is moving. Yesterday, a friend and I spent a few last hours with him, playing frisbee and engaging in random shenanigans. As I drove away, it kinda hit me the afternoon might have been one of the last times I would see him. Then, as I thought about it, I realized I was moving. Rather than to Florida, I’m moving on to a different chapter of my life. I’m moving on to missions trips and camp counselor life, and then, college. And to be honest, I’m scared. I’m hesitant and nervous. I’m afraid of being alone and unloved. I’m afraid I won’t be outgoing enough to make friends. I love being comfortable. I have many fantastic people in my life from school and church, and there’s a part of me which just wants to remain where I am. Each relationship has taken time, and I love everyone in my life. It’s taken time for me to find good friends who encourage me spiritually. I want to continue to do biweekly life with my church pals. I want to continue to be a small group leader and play with my church band. I want to keep doing chemistry labs and laugh with people who appreciate me. I want to know where I can go if I’m having a bad day. I want to know there are people who I can trust and who trust me. I’m scared my major is wrong. I’m scared my roommates and I won’t get along. I’m scared I’ll mess up. I’m scared my professors will be hard. I’m scared I’ll gain the “freshman fifteen.” All of these things are changes. All of these things are new, uncomfortable, and maybe even painful. I’m comfortable right where I am. I am comfortable going to high school, hanging out with people I like, and attending classes where it’s relatively easy for me to succeed. I’m comfortable at youth group, where I have my friend circle, where we have inside jokes and prayers and fellowship. I’m comfortable being at home and spending time with my friends and brothers. I’m in a place where I am comfortable and in control of a lot of things, and it makes me happy.
Except I’m not happy. But, what does it mean to be happy? Does happy mean comfortable? Does it mean loved? Does it mean spiritually at peace? What is happy?
I think we forget sometimes changes can be positive things.
Although change means I’m not in control, change means I can grow. I cannot think of any change in my life which has not given me something to learn from or grow into. Each positive and negative occurrence in my life has stretched me in some way, and without it, I wouldn’t be who I am today. How cliche. Times filled with anxieties, worry, depression, loss, etc. usually lead us to Him. Times like those allow us to grow.
So as this next season of life enters quickly, I want to run relentlessly to the one who knows what’s coming next. I want to rest in the one who knows my thoughts and hears my prayers. I want to be authentic. I want to be genuine. I want to love, and I want to trust it will all work out, even if I feel the opposite. I want to grow spiritually. I want to be God’s hands and feet. I want to be pure. I want to be a light in a dark, dark world. A world filled with sin, immorality, lies, and restlessness. A world full of hopelessness and chasing after things which don’t provide satisfaction. I want to lead, not just quietly follow. But really, above all, I want God. I want to live life WITH Him. Let us be intentional.
Yesterday, at youth group after our frisbee shenanigans, the song “Your Love Never Fails” played. There’s one verse where the lyrics go “constant in the trials and the change,” describing God’s constancy and presence in our lives. Even though our lives can sometimes feel like they are falling apart, He is constant. He is good. He is sovereign. Through every trial and change, He is the only one we can run to and rest in. So next time life throws you a curve ball, take it like a man, and bring it to the one who has plans to give you “a hope and a future.”
Today’s appreciation post goes out to my beautiful friend who loves to love. She also loves Jesus and hugs. She has a beautiful, absolutely beautiful voice, and she also has an authentic heart which loves to serve. She’s gone on two mission trips, and even when she felt defeated and ready to give up, she was perseverant. Her eyes remind me of crystal blue spider webs, and she appreciates crazy pants. She loves spending her Wednesdays with middle schoolers and her Wednesdays (@deepnacho) singing in a band and loving her peers. She has a heart full of gold, and is never, ever, ever, resistant to offer her shoulder as one to lean on or her ear to listen. She inspires me to live a life which honors Jesus, and I can’t imagine going through life without her.