Uhg.

Today was an extremely energy draining day. Its finally hit me J is deceased. No more, gone, resting. My family believes he had a relationship with Christ, and resting there has given me a small amount of peace. Today, I was overly anxious. About playing, about tests, about relationships. In fact, I’d go as far as to say I hit the two opposites of my emotional spectrum at least six times today. Going to church in the morning, I was reluctant and mechanical. Volunteering was a high. Going home was a high. Being home was a low. Seeing pain at home was a low. Leaving home to return to church was neither. Sitting, alone and feeling dismissed was a low. I sat downstairs, playing piano, telling myself I’d study later. Then, it came rehearsal, which was another low. I love playing, don’t get me wrong, but my heart and mind were in different places today. Our drummer and I ran to Wendy’s, and the drive and commotion we caused was probably the highest high. Worship was good. Good enough. No one talked about how I goofed. After worship, though, my lowest low struck. Throughout the message, I was overcome by grief and pain. Pain caused from past incidents, stress, death, fear, lies, etc. Small group was eh. Nothing great, nothing awful. After, a group of my friends returned to Wendy’s (without our drummer), and I believe it was there I was overly overwhelmed. Slowly, overwhelmed morphed back to sad, alone, silent. On the way home, good conversation entailed, but only when I got home two hours after youth group ended did I realize I left everything I needed for tomorrow at church. It was dark and locked, concealed, blocked from human entrance. Studying later didn’t happen. After realizing this, everything left exploded.
The obvious filled my head. You failed. You’re not going to pass tomorrow. You are alone. You can’t talk to anyone. Even x won’t pick up your call. They just tolerate you. You are bitter, rude, and will never find true love. You are not enough. You really screwed it up today. Think of all the people who you forced to listen. They don’t care, yet you abuse their time. How rude and selfish. You’re a failure, Alyssa, and it probably all you will be.
And sadly, I bought in to it.
I’ll be fine. I promise. I’m not good at being weak. But I’m learning slowly. I’m learning it is okay to be weak. I’m learning no one has it all together. I’m learning you can ask other people to do things. But also, I’m learning my bitterness is a real issue. I’m learning it causes me to push people away. Sometimes, though, I’m perfectly okay with it. And its a problem. Because love should be greater. Yet I have only a scarce amount to give. But its a process, and I think the end of this process will be fruitful.
Today’s appreciation goes to our drummer, C. C is talented. He’s a freshman, yet plays drums with such precision, talent, and energy. He never ceases to make me laugh, even if I’m having an awful day. He also is smart, dedicated, and hilarious. Even so, he’s present. He’s mature. He’s empathetic. You don’t find those qualities in many freshmen, even sophomores and juniors. C is also moving, and I know I’ll miss him. If you’re in Tallahassee, you’ve got some real talent and swag coming towards you. Beware. Also, if you’re crying on the floor in the basement when you should be at rehearsal, he’ll make sure everything is set up for you. Also, if you feel like you’re going to pass out, just text him and wait for a delivery of food and water. This kid blows my mind. A true MVP.
xo.

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Uhg.

Chipmunk Cheeks

Really not irrelevant, but I got my wisdom teeth out. So I was on heavy pain medication, like Vicodin, and I thought it would be a great idea to just write stuff.

First thought, I’ve really been thinking about the names we have for things. Like flamingo. Flamingos are pink birds, and I think its weird we call them “flamingo.” Why not something else? Flamingo has the root “flam” in it, and I think it has something to do with fire, but I’ve never seen or heard of a flamingo on fire. Besides, flamingos are pink. I’ll bet the person who named them was colorblind. Also, all flamingos are birds. All birds aren’t flamingos. How queer. [FLAMINGO ACTUALLY MEANS FLAME COLORED OR RED FEATHERED. Also, flamingos have really long necks, and I don’t think people appreciate it as much as they should. I’m done talking about Flamingos.]

Secondly, I haven’t taken a nap yet today. I’m sitting in the school library, and I really want to fall asleep, but I can’t miss my last class. I don’t think anyone would wake me up. We should really create a system where you put up a sign like “wake me up at …” and people do, but people are people and probably wouldn’t follow it.

Shoutout to everyone who has laughed at my pain and swelling. I’m happy to do the same for you when it happens. Actually, anesthesia stories. I remember getting an IV and the doctor putting an oxygen mask over me and telling me to breathe, and then I remember being home, playing rummy with my mom at the kitchen table. My mom, however, has other tales to tell. She says my time was spent 60% sobbing in a fetal position, 35% yelling at everyone around me, and 5% of wonder and awe. I also asked the nurse the same question four different times. I asked whether they remember their patients on anesthesia or like before the operation when people are sane and coherent. What my mom didn’t know was I asked the same question before the operation. The nurses said they mostly remember faces, but I don’t believe them. At one point on the ride home, my mom asked if there was anything I wanted, and I guess I just said I wanted a blanket. Even though I had a blanket. Go figure. Anyway, she told me then I could have all the blankets we own if I wanted, and she could roll me up in them like a little burrito. I then started crying again how I didn’t want a burrito. I also wanted my teeth and then didn’t want my teeth. OH. When I first woke up from the operation, I guess I thought they took out all my teeth, because my entire mouth was numb and I couldn’t feel them. LOL. Don’t worry though. They only took out four. They had to cut one in half. The lower right side hurts the most, so I’m hypothesizing they hammered it. Yeah, when I went home, they wrapped me up like a burrito, and I just kept on yelling at them to stop laughing at me. Even though they weren’t. I also kept on telling my sweet mother she was MEAN and I was NICE and POWITE (polite). I even said thank you to the nurses on my way out. My mom is indeed very nice, and I am mean, even though she originally got vanilla ice cream and not vanilla bean. There is definitely a difference. I guess I subconsciously took a bunch of videos, so they were “fun” to watch. I also replied to a bunch of people with gibberish. But I am clearly more coherent now.

Also, I want to talk about AP CHEMISTRY. We did this thing during class where we learned about Electron Configuration and how it all fits together with the periodic table and oxidation numbers and energy levels and ionization and IT WAS SO COOL. But, the thing which really got me is how it all fits together. Each element, each formula, each everything. So clear, so beyond understanding, but yet so vague despite it’s clarity. Honestly, no set of electrons could have evolved to create this beautiful earth we live in. No combustion, no accident, no bang. Nah. Today in Chemistry, glory was brought to God. And I am in awe. How perfect, how lovely, how original. How unique. Each person, each rock, each material, each flamingo, each star. JUST WOW.

Yesterday, on the way to school, my dad was stopped at a stoplight, and when the light turned green, he accelerated.

The end. Just kidding. I was just looking out the window, and I totally thought the car next to us was just going backwards. It totally looked like it. And then I realized we were going forwards. But how cool would it be if there was like a synchronized backwards driving thing?

I found a pop up book of phobias at school. It was not terribly exciting or frightening, only because it was a book. Unfortunately, only one of my fears was in there, so figures.

Did you know when you wink, your tongue goes to the opposite side of your mouth if you just relax it? Stick out your tongue and wink alternating eyes in the mirror if you don’t believe me. If you wink both eyes at the same time, it won’t work because you’re blinking, not winking.

I’m going to register for college classes in just a couple of weeks. I guess I’m a little nervous, but I’m really excited to be on campus and around people who have the same values as me. I’m extremely ready to leave high school, and I’m ready to be in a place where God’s law is valued more than worldly desires.

I hate gravy.

Speaking of gravy, I’ve essentially only eaten mashed potatoes for the last four days. I really used to like mashed potatoes, but the dense, salty, starch, mush has become more of a dreaded food now. Give it a week, and I’m sure I’ll be making mashed potatoes, but honestly, four days is four too many. And I ate them cold. Did you know eating hot foods makes dissolvable stitches dissolve faster? Basically, I consumed cold broth, cold mashed potatoes, yogurt, and water. I’ve only had ice cream thrice, and it wasn’t even satisfying. I really just want to eat pineapple and bite into an apple. Speaking of unsatisfying things, yawning is really unsatisfying. I can’t open my mouth all the way, so I don’t even feel refreshed afterwards. Just annoyed. I actually think yawning is unsatisfying as a whole, because like you don’t even feel like you took a nap afterwards. And when you’re yawning, you’re probably extremely tired and trying to focus on something, and it really just provides distraction. It takes the human body fifteen minutes on average to start an activity and become focus. Hence why group chats and studying don’t go together. And why prayer is sometimes really hard to get into.

Today, though, I ate some guacamole and chips, and it tasted like heaven.

Attention group of freshman sitting around four o’clock by the window, please stop BLASTING JUSTIN BIEBER in the library. It’s really annoying and unnecessary. You’re sitting in the independent study area. It’s kinda understood it’s supposed to be quiet. This must be why we can’t have nice things.

I’ve basically hung out with my mom for the past two weeks, and it’s been pretty great, not gunna lie. We went shoe shopping and got lunch, and she’s been making sure I take happy dust and giving me water.

I could really go for some water right now.

Last night it rained and the water was beautiful as it scattered the window glass in my room. Also last night I took my mom for a walk around the block, though unfortunately her leash was nowhere to be found. We walked around the block three times and her headache went away and she was happy but I was cold but I was also happy she was happy. Wow what a great runon.

Someone buy me a pineapple.

Please.

Tomorrow I’ll continue with this high form of art. (gettt ittttttt?)


 

Okay well it’s a new day and I’m still on pain medication but a little more lucid, but I have a lot of stuff to write. Like more serious stuff to write.

Yesterday afternoon, my family got word my second cousin passed away. I didn’t really know him well, but my mom and him were really close growing up. This guy was amazing. He was born without his left arm, and still managed to play saxophone and baseball. He had a “hook” and I have a vivid memory of talking to him at my grandmother’s funeral. Apparently he was visiting their new vacation house in a different state to view as to how the construction was coming along, but we have no knowledge of the cause of his death yet. Although I didn’t really know him well, it still really hit me.

A sudden lack of a life around you awakens your soul to the realization of how quickly the little time we have here passes. Each day, each moment, each second, each opportunity goes as quickly as it comes. And someday, none of the little things will matter. Only people will matter, for people have souls, potential, advice, love to give and a need to receive love. Around you, life is going on. There is fresh air to breathe, sights to see, conversations to have, ice cream to eat, and places to walk. Do something you love. Surround yourself with people who love you and who help you reach your potential in every aspect of your life. We waste too many precious moments in a day. Intentionally reach out to people who matter to you, because they may only be with you for so long. Life passes too quickly too often. Treasure every moment.

Honestly. As I reflect, I spend so much time doing other things of little value, and I often fail to ensure people around me have great knowledge they are appreciated. I spend too much time doing other things of little significance. If you think of someone, send them a letter or text. Tell them how much they mean to you. You never know the impact a short paragraph can have on someone’s life and status. Hey, I appreciate you. You’re really great. You are enough. You have such great potential to accomplish many things. There is a higher calling for your life. You have purpose. You have the ability to change your community. Make your life matter; you never know when it may be cut to a close.

I’m going to try to be serious, even though you’re probably amused. Or maybe you’re not. I’ve been hesitant to write, and I even considered not blogging anymore. But if I stop for a while, I promise my first post back will be after my mission trip, and then another one at the end of summer. And if it’s all I manage to write, I apologize, but I’m probably not sorry.

She said she would feel honored, so I wanna tell you about my friend who happens to be really proficient at making clay pots and wire pigs. YES THOSE ARE EXTREMELY CRUCIAL TALENTS I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK. Her hair reminds me of spaghetti, and to all her haters, she doesn’t even curl it every day. She can make you laugh even when your world is falling apart, and she’ll always share her food with you. She’s a fast runner, and she has a heart full of love for people. Also, this girl is CRAZY gifted academically. You would never know English is her second language (unless you proofread her essays) and she is taking SEVEN classes, including AP Chemistry, AP AB Calc, Engineering, Art, and many more. If you need a Chemistry tutor, call her. Or don’t, because she already helps so many people. I love this chica and her pop tarts and confidence. Popcorn, te amo.

I really wanna start putting a person appreciation at the end of each post. I think it will be a positive change. Any other ideas are encouraged.

So I’ve hoped you enjoyed my ramblings and seriousness. This probably won’t happen again for a while. Yay pain medication.

xo.

Chipmunk Cheeks