A Void. A Gap. A Hiatus.
A feeling of emptiness. A longing for more. A desire to be filled.
Recently, I’ve been longing for more. I want more of God. I want to experience His goodness and follow His plans. I feel as though I am following the same routine, day after day. I feel constrained because of certain people. I feel that I am internally at war between right and wrong, every minute of the day. I know God is moving. I know I am loved. I know of His greatness. I’ve heard how He has prevailed. I’ve been trying to live life with God. I’ve been trying to pray. I’ve been trying to seek Him. I’ve been trying to involve myself with things that honor Him. And I still feel empty. I feel as though I am trying to serve two masters, though I want to only serve one – the God of the Universe.
Around me, the majority of my friends have no dedication to Jesus. They don’t believe in Him, and their lives reflect that. They do what they want. But yet, on the outside they appear to be happy. But me. On the outside, I do all the right things. Why do I feel so empty?
I went on a retreat two weeks ago. The guest speaker talked about doing life WITH God as opposed to over, after, against, for, from, under. One that I felt described my personal walk was doing life “for” God. For what you all can see, I have it all together. You see me doing stuff at church, Jesus is referenced in the majority of my social media bios, I have a blog about Him and His greatness, I’ve had great opportunities. I’ve made it appear like I am living WITH God. That He is guiding me, and I do those things WITH Him. Spoiler alert. I feel like I’m doing those things for Him. And though I have good intentions, I am missing Him throughout the entire process. I could live my whole life living for God, and never experience life WITH God.
Today was a day off of school, and I spent it sleeping, thinking, and wondering. Sleeping enough for the first time in a long time. Thinking about where I stand. Thinking about where I want to be. Wondering why I feel empty. Wondering if there is more. Wondering how I can get more.
I know that more is Him. He is the only one that can satisfy my empty soul. I know so much about God. I know stories, verses, songs. A lot. And I appear to live my life WITH Him, and deep down, I want to live life WITH God. My patience, my pride, my plans all stand in the way. But I actually want to know Him. I want Him to speak to and through me. I want to be a living example. I wonder why my role models can do it. Jo always seems happy, filled with His spirit. I know she isn’t perfect. I’m just saying that it is obvious she has a genuine overflowing passion for God rising from deep inside her soul. And that is something I long for.
Primarily, I need to change my posture with God. I also need my change the amount of time I give Him throughout my day. I loose focus so easily. I also need to obtain pure motives. Towards the beginning few chapters of Matthew, Jesus talks many times about doing things in secret, because the Father will still know. And as I’ve been trying to do that today, it hasn’t been coming easy to me. I put on a show. A mask. A pretty good one actually. Inside, I feel like a fake. I feel empty. I feel that my faith is not genuine. And I long for it to be genuine. I really do.
In Skye Jethani’s book WITH (which I haven’t read yet, but plan to), he talks about our posture with God and the results of that posture. WITH was also the basis of the messages at the retreats. A result of living your life for God, according to Skye, is completely missing Him. Another is that we get so caught up in putting on a good show that our motives become impure because we are trying to appear as though we have it all together. And I feel that I am a victim of both. Originally, I wrote to God. In my journal. And I felt His presence some days. I felt renewed. I felt that I could do things without peers looking over my shoulder. This summer in Trinidad, I got asked to write a trip journal, and my gift of writing was graciously affirmed. Now, why do I blog? Do you all really need to hear what I’m saying? Maybe. Probably not. But who am I writing for? Am I writing for His glory or for mine? And in all honesty, I feel like it depends. But increasingly, it’s been the latter. I started off with pure intentions, but quickly fell into a vortex of self glorifying habits. And I hate it. Even now, I question posting this.
Why am I posting it? I don’t really know. I could say that I want people to keep me accountable, but that might prevent me from going alone with God. I want to have special moments. Moments that I don’t need to tell anyone about. Moments where I feel full, because it’s just me and the God of the Universe. Moments that I know are from God. I want to have a life of meaning. Not of simple moments of happiness and empty expectation. I know what I want, but I fail to commit to it. I know what I could have, but for some reason, I turn it away. Life is so short. During this time, I could be bringing glory to God. Instead, I’m failing. I’m failing to be full. Failing to fill others. Failing to be genuine. Failing to be honest about the dark corners within me. Failing to confront this ongoing problem. Failing to live life WITH God.
I just want to be effusive with God’s spirit. And right now, I’m spending to much time talking about what I want. I should be seeking God to see what He wants.
With: “accompanied by (another person or thing).”